Seeing him again for the very first time

Chapter 5
"Seeing him again for the very first time"

Who knows I was not very strong even after a year of being apart from him. It was all a denial. I deny all the feelings that I have all this long. I don’t want to be with him. I can’t help it when my heart is missing him and wanting him by my side. But then I realize that I can’t to this anymore. So I stop pushing myself. I don’t have to think about it. I can’t just ignore thou. Hence I have to find myself a way to stop wanting him without having to push myself so hard on it.

I seek opinion from my friends, cousins, and from my mother as well. Some asked to just ignore it, some just asked me to fight it and some just never give me any comments about me. I want to fight it so that I will have a better life and show him that I can be his friend and forgot the entire thing that we once have. But it is not as easy as it look. The best advice ever is to look dazzling during the engagement ceremony that I attend just to show him how great I can look. But I never follow it. I just don’t know how to be as stunning as they want me to be. I just look my very best and ignore him like always.

Well I was hire as make up artist during the ceremony. It was his niece engagement ceremony. I didn’t want to go at first. But my mom asked me to go and just relax. To show how professional I can be even in front of him and his family. So that’s what I did. I went there and just do my job without showing any feelings that might involve between me and him. I think it was a great decision ever made by me because I challenge myself to be cool at times that I can’t even sure whether I’m ok or not.

It’s weird to be there actually. His mother knows that we were lovers. But she does not know that it is over. That day have made it clear for her vision that the real situation that we are having. We are not talking to each other. His niece had made it clear that both of us had over our relationship a year ago. I’m glad that’s over. That is what I really want. I wanted his mother to know about it and I hope that she is really ok with it. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I just don’t want things to get messier that it is before. Now I’m really free from any tights and hope that I can go through my life once again. I have to rebuild the wall and protect myself from being in this mess again.

I cried hard that day because I felt sorry for breaking my own heart by going to the ceremony. I cried because I care too much about him and his family. They were like family to me. But thank Allah that I have some friends to make me feel at peace even I was very confused at that time. We just should let it be for a while. Just let time do its part as a healer to the sorrow that my heart is having. There’s no need to force it and no need to make it more confusing. It might drag me back to the dark hole and be depress once again. Therefore just follow the flow that we have for this while until I find myself a point where I need to but a decision on.

Getting back on my feet once again

Chapter 4
"Getting back on my feet once again"

Keep on moving might been easy to be said that done. Who would’ve know how hard it is to fall and try to stand again. It will be even harder when the fall cause some fracture to your hearts. Getting up will be much more difficult than dying. All I did was I gather all my strength and try hard to wake up from the nightmare that almost cause me my future. I nearly jeopardize my own future and give up with life. And now I’m more confident with my life. Even I haven’t forgotten all about it but I keep a strong will to live a better life for my own sake rather that for someone else.

I started to smile again. I started to be me again. As I think of it, the world does not even care whether you lie on the bed every single day and cried. No one wants to know about it either. So there are no point of being in grief and missing what the world has to offer you. Why just let them (the one who puts me in a dark hole) are happy with whatever that they are having. Why not just show them that whatever that they did have make you one strong person and be mature with what have happen. Am I right?

Never know how hard it is for me to stand and keep on walking. How to be strong and be so calm at the same time? Well experience does help us to move on. They will give you courage to be stronger in order to prepare yourself with even bigger test to see how we can handle things. Allah will always test those who He thinks might go through the entire life obstacle. Another think is it show how He loved that person until He wants put him or her into such big test just to see how you manage them and be faithful to Him.

Since I always wanted to travel all around Malaysia with some friends, I think now would be the right time to do it. Just go out and be spontaneous. I may have lots of time to rethink about giving other the second chance. At least I can be more focus on traveling and conduct reunion among my classmate and schoolmates. Furthermore I can be more with my family when ever they need me. My friends have been so supportive throughout the years in helping me get up and get on my feet back on the ground. As thanks, I’ll spend as much time as I have to get involve with them once again.

Sometimes it does make me like crying when all they did was be there for me. Some of them even give me their shoulder for me to cry on. It was very rude of me to take such advantage over their kind heart and be selfish. To repay their attention over me, I’m working on a reunion with them and hoping that this would be the best gift that I can give them for now.

It does feel good to me again. I did lose myself when I was in love. I lost it because I was to busy wanting to be the perfect girl for him and his family. Having to think that he never did appreciates it make me feel like a fool. I’ve learn that when you love someone you have to take them as what they are and not something that they can be. Hypocrites is now the way to live your life. I will try hard not to be a hypocrite just like what I did when I was with him.

Life just seems to be at its place now. Mom and dad are not worried about me. I was not worried anymore. My brother has been so protective and he will always be in that way. My sisters try hard to make me forget everything. More and more things I’ve learn could make me realize how life is always goes ups and downs. But what’s important is how you go with the ups and downs of life and how you grow mature with it. May there will always be a lesson in every little thing that happen to us that could give us wondrous meaning as a human being in this very life.

A journey that one must face in their life

Chapter 3
"A journey that one must face in their life"

Life have its on ups and down. I went on a journey to the south of Malaysia which makes me notice that how I need to be strongly to have a strong heart and will to keep on walking towards my future. The amazing journey begins at late 2007. As for a start I make my way to Segamat with the fear of being so far away from home alone and yet I’m not alone at all. I was with Dyer. We walk side by side making sure every step we take are save and will not put our life in jeopardy.

The new beginners now are far from beginning line. They are now at the stage where they are going to stay at the middle line of the story of their life. How to carve them to be beautiful is what should be considered. It will start to play its role as the story teller.

Being there in the south sure does put a notice on how should one have to be carefully budgeting their money in order to manage their money well. Most of the time I never care much on how I spend my money. But after staying yet so far away from home, I begin to manage my money well. I started to distinguish between needs and wants. I only buy what I need only instead on things that I want. What a huge sacrifices. Nevertheless, I also enjoy things that I want once in awhile when ever I have to give a reward for my own self. (^ ^)v

To be honestly honest, I hate this stage of line. This is where I got hurt a lot. It seems to blend with my life perfectly and without any sign of stopping at all. First of all, I got into a trouble in choosing friends. They made me choose when I don’t wanna choose either of them to be the best. I just wanted to be friend with everyone. Then, secondly, I got news from home. This times its mom and dad. I was stuck in a dilemma which almost drives me into a misery. I got depressed. I couldn’t even hide it. I even almost lost myself in the depression. Then, lastly, it’s him, he who I loved most and he who broke my heart into pieces. Nevertheless, I’m not surprise at all with what I discover. It is as just as I thought it would be. In fact, I’m only sad, as sad as I could be for he promise to tell me the truth and yet he still lie. I already sense it but I was waiting for him to confess. And I guess confessing will never be his thing. Now I’m learning to take things seriously and hide my true feelings.

Most of the things happen help me to develop a wall which protects my heart from getting hurt again. I begin blocking others to come inside my heart once again. I start writing my story in my lappy. I begin to wonder alone and have fun with my friend. Beside that, I moved to another place to start my life over again. Finding peace at a new place. Meeting new people and knowing new things in life. Keeping my own self busy all the times so that I won’t feel sad or lonely as I can see a few of my friends take a huge step and be in a marriage life, having their own family and taking responsibility. The hardest things to watch would be being left behind by them. They never did leave me; it’s just that they have too many things to take care off until they have no time for friends anymore. It’s not their faults. Its how the world works honey.

Hence, never let yourself being left behind. Just follow the flow and InsyaAllah you may find yourself at peace and more relax. No one is leaving you behind Wanie. It is just your feeling of being insecure lately made you be uncomfortable with all situation that there is. Give yourself a break and give it a rest. There will be a day when you will learn to smile once again. There would be a rainbow toward the end of the road and you may enjoy it with big laugh and smile plus with happy tears. That day will make you forget the past and grow up with it. =)

The new beginning for the new beginner

Chapter 2
“The new beginning for the new beginner”

Everyone have their own starting point. The new beginning have already started but for a new beginner like me it takes a lot of courage for me to handle new beginning at a new place which is yet far from my parents. Even thought I’m living with my aunt and uncle in Damansara. Working experience can be a little hard for me. I’ve never been there and never done it yet. Plus handling a new company would be a new start which I may not know how it would end. I’m glad that I have that chance to experience it. Not many of us have it in their resume thou. Let’s consider it as a lucky thing to be happening to a kampong girl like me.

Life in KL seems to be rather different that the one I have in Taiping and Machang. In Taiping is smooth and relaxing. Of course it’s my home town and I’m used of everything about it. Machang give me new view of how the poor coop with their life and learn to be grateful with whatever that I had and have. While Kuala Lumpur give me the vibe of hectic life style and open up my mind on how does the real world looks like. How the town people live their life like. How am I going to react in dealing with finding who am I really is. It sort of giving me the idea of growing up and be more mature in facing the real world.

How can my uncle trust a 22 year old girl to handle his company? Let’s just say that he put a lot of faith in Allah and hope that I don’t ruin it. Thank Allah for showing me path to behave like I should. It is sad for me to make a decision to leave the company in the end. But it is what I should do in furthering my study. 4 month being in the sales area sure build up my confident level to the next level. And this also shows of what I am capable of being. It is the part where I learn to be an adult and to act like an adult.

I know as a beginner I’ve made a lot of mistake that I can’t or might not have the chance to redeem them back. It is the price that I have to pay for not doing all tasks carefully. Some of it is the time that I don’t have just to hangout with friends and boyfriend. Some also the time just to be with my brother and sisters plus cousins. But I never put the word regret to go with it. I have to admit it is the mistake that I need to avoid in order to pay them back. It would be an even bigger mistake if I don’t try and make it up for them. It least I know the key point to every success achievement begin with correcting my own self before judging others as well as learn from other people mistake.

Frankly speaking I used to judge people with the mistake that they’ve made. Putting such judgments can make us look bad in front of other people. Why? It is simply because we are not perfect as well. There no one perfect in this world except for our sole Creator, the all mighty Allah. We might not remember or realize the things we’ve done. Hence there is no person in this world is perfect. They are only special in their own ways which is different from one another.

The lonely girl got caught in her own dreams and hope

Chapter 1
"The lonely girl got caught in her own dreams and hope"

Year 2004 has only begun and I have a hole in m heart after losing my beloved grandma by the end of 2003. Just a few days before going to college she left us all without even properly say goodbyes. Everyone was still at shock upon receiving her death news. Everyone was devastated by the news and having hard time of managing our new life without her by our side all this time. Never thought we could miss her terribly after she left. Life in college is suck. I hate being alone and yet so far from my family. Never-the-less mom and dad come and visit me almost every week if I can’t come home. They just missed me maybe. This was the first time for me to be so far away from them alone maybe. Mom was quite worried maybe and just can’t let go of me.

Life in college is new and was not that easy for my. I was feeling sad because I was placed in Kelantan and I’m not ready to be away from home that far. Making friends was a bit hard at first. I always wonder around campus alone. But I manage to make friends somehow. I come to Kelantan with a friend. Although we were not in the same course but we manage to get the same room with the other two girls. So we got two from accounting and two from statistic course. Fiza and I as you know the two accounting student in the room while that friend of mine, Sophia and the other girl, Ain are from the other course. At first all of us thought Fiza was about our age. But we were wrong; she is 5 years older than us all. We were only 18 years at that time so we were a bit childish rather then Fiza. She’s like a big sister to us all. Those times are the best time of our happy time until conflict started to take it place among us. I’ve known Sophia from my mom.

Our families have been friend for two generation and the third was supposed to be mine and Sophia. But it got spoiled over by some miss understanding between us at that time. My mom was very mush sad that we’ve have such problem. She thought that we can retain the family tides as her grandmother is the friend of my grandparents. Even my father grew up with her father and her uncle in north of Perak state. Hence, this is the reason on why they want me to be friend with Sophia.

Well unfortunately we make up and settle our little so call problem only after she got transfer to Shah Alam. Sophia manage to got transfer the second semester cause her mother was sick. For years we have never contacted each other and made with some other friends that were in the same course as I’m taking. Those few friends of mine become some close of mine now. We started as only classmate then we did some fighting and crying then we become closed friends. Some of them are Dyer, Mira, Aino, Yana, Alin, Dettol, Nadia, Adha and some other. Sorry guy if I forgotten to write some few others. There’s too many to list them out. =P

2 years there have certainly given me a new air to breath. The hole inside my heart begins to fill once again. I learn how to have fun again, to smile and to trust other. No more loneliness. No more fear. I also make a step of accepting him in my life as someone that is truly special. I take him as someone to guide me. I give him authority to protect me. It is simply because he never stops asking for that special place for 5 years. I made up my mind to give it a shot. I give him the chance to try loving me and understanding me. At the same time, I’m giving my own self the chance to know him better before I decide to tight the knot with him. He has been my motivation to keep own going, to finish my study and brave enough to faced any challenge that there is. He gave me new air. It is the experience that I will never ever forget my entire life time. =)

Well apparently 3 1/2 year was a quite long period which made growing up process is suck. But I’m glad that it happens and I experience it myself. I missed my college friends. Hope that we will still be friend no matter what and hoping that my relationship with him would last forever. I pray every single day that my friendship with them and my heart for him will never change. Does it worth righting for? Does I was made for him? Can I face that day when he will turn his back on me? Can I take it easily? I give it all to Allah to give what ever thing that He plan for me. Insyallah.