Seeing him again for the very first time

Chapter 5
"Seeing him again for the very first time"

Who knows I was not very strong even after a year of being apart from him. It was all a denial. I deny all the feelings that I have all this long. I don’t want to be with him. I can’t help it when my heart is missing him and wanting him by my side. But then I realize that I can’t to this anymore. So I stop pushing myself. I don’t have to think about it. I can’t just ignore thou. Hence I have to find myself a way to stop wanting him without having to push myself so hard on it.

I seek opinion from my friends, cousins, and from my mother as well. Some asked to just ignore it, some just asked me to fight it and some just never give me any comments about me. I want to fight it so that I will have a better life and show him that I can be his friend and forgot the entire thing that we once have. But it is not as easy as it look. The best advice ever is to look dazzling during the engagement ceremony that I attend just to show him how great I can look. But I never follow it. I just don’t know how to be as stunning as they want me to be. I just look my very best and ignore him like always.

Well I was hire as make up artist during the ceremony. It was his niece engagement ceremony. I didn’t want to go at first. But my mom asked me to go and just relax. To show how professional I can be even in front of him and his family. So that’s what I did. I went there and just do my job without showing any feelings that might involve between me and him. I think it was a great decision ever made by me because I challenge myself to be cool at times that I can’t even sure whether I’m ok or not.

It’s weird to be there actually. His mother knows that we were lovers. But she does not know that it is over. That day have made it clear for her vision that the real situation that we are having. We are not talking to each other. His niece had made it clear that both of us had over our relationship a year ago. I’m glad that’s over. That is what I really want. I wanted his mother to know about it and I hope that she is really ok with it. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I just don’t want things to get messier that it is before. Now I’m really free from any tights and hope that I can go through my life once again. I have to rebuild the wall and protect myself from being in this mess again.

I cried hard that day because I felt sorry for breaking my own heart by going to the ceremony. I cried because I care too much about him and his family. They were like family to me. But thank Allah that I have some friends to make me feel at peace even I was very confused at that time. We just should let it be for a while. Just let time do its part as a healer to the sorrow that my heart is having. There’s no need to force it and no need to make it more confusing. It might drag me back to the dark hole and be depress once again. Therefore just follow the flow that we have for this while until I find myself a point where I need to but a decision on.