Seeing him again for the very first time

Chapter 5
"Seeing him again for the very first time"

Who knows I was not very strong even after a year of being apart from him. It was all a denial. I deny all the feelings that I have all this long. I don’t want to be with him. I can’t help it when my heart is missing him and wanting him by my side. But then I realize that I can’t to this anymore. So I stop pushing myself. I don’t have to think about it. I can’t just ignore thou. Hence I have to find myself a way to stop wanting him without having to push myself so hard on it.

I seek opinion from my friends, cousins, and from my mother as well. Some asked to just ignore it, some just asked me to fight it and some just never give me any comments about me. I want to fight it so that I will have a better life and show him that I can be his friend and forgot the entire thing that we once have. But it is not as easy as it look. The best advice ever is to look dazzling during the engagement ceremony that I attend just to show him how great I can look. But I never follow it. I just don’t know how to be as stunning as they want me to be. I just look my very best and ignore him like always.

Well I was hire as make up artist during the ceremony. It was his niece engagement ceremony. I didn’t want to go at first. But my mom asked me to go and just relax. To show how professional I can be even in front of him and his family. So that’s what I did. I went there and just do my job without showing any feelings that might involve between me and him. I think it was a great decision ever made by me because I challenge myself to be cool at times that I can’t even sure whether I’m ok or not.

It’s weird to be there actually. His mother knows that we were lovers. But she does not know that it is over. That day have made it clear for her vision that the real situation that we are having. We are not talking to each other. His niece had made it clear that both of us had over our relationship a year ago. I’m glad that’s over. That is what I really want. I wanted his mother to know about it and I hope that she is really ok with it. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I just don’t want things to get messier that it is before. Now I’m really free from any tights and hope that I can go through my life once again. I have to rebuild the wall and protect myself from being in this mess again.

I cried hard that day because I felt sorry for breaking my own heart by going to the ceremony. I cried because I care too much about him and his family. They were like family to me. But thank Allah that I have some friends to make me feel at peace even I was very confused at that time. We just should let it be for a while. Just let time do its part as a healer to the sorrow that my heart is having. There’s no need to force it and no need to make it more confusing. It might drag me back to the dark hole and be depress once again. Therefore just follow the flow that we have for this while until I find myself a point where I need to but a decision on.

Getting back on my feet once again

Chapter 4
"Getting back on my feet once again"

Keep on moving might been easy to be said that done. Who would’ve know how hard it is to fall and try to stand again. It will be even harder when the fall cause some fracture to your hearts. Getting up will be much more difficult than dying. All I did was I gather all my strength and try hard to wake up from the nightmare that almost cause me my future. I nearly jeopardize my own future and give up with life. And now I’m more confident with my life. Even I haven’t forgotten all about it but I keep a strong will to live a better life for my own sake rather that for someone else.

I started to smile again. I started to be me again. As I think of it, the world does not even care whether you lie on the bed every single day and cried. No one wants to know about it either. So there are no point of being in grief and missing what the world has to offer you. Why just let them (the one who puts me in a dark hole) are happy with whatever that they are having. Why not just show them that whatever that they did have make you one strong person and be mature with what have happen. Am I right?

Never know how hard it is for me to stand and keep on walking. How to be strong and be so calm at the same time? Well experience does help us to move on. They will give you courage to be stronger in order to prepare yourself with even bigger test to see how we can handle things. Allah will always test those who He thinks might go through the entire life obstacle. Another think is it show how He loved that person until He wants put him or her into such big test just to see how you manage them and be faithful to Him.

Since I always wanted to travel all around Malaysia with some friends, I think now would be the right time to do it. Just go out and be spontaneous. I may have lots of time to rethink about giving other the second chance. At least I can be more focus on traveling and conduct reunion among my classmate and schoolmates. Furthermore I can be more with my family when ever they need me. My friends have been so supportive throughout the years in helping me get up and get on my feet back on the ground. As thanks, I’ll spend as much time as I have to get involve with them once again.

Sometimes it does make me like crying when all they did was be there for me. Some of them even give me their shoulder for me to cry on. It was very rude of me to take such advantage over their kind heart and be selfish. To repay their attention over me, I’m working on a reunion with them and hoping that this would be the best gift that I can give them for now.

It does feel good to me again. I did lose myself when I was in love. I lost it because I was to busy wanting to be the perfect girl for him and his family. Having to think that he never did appreciates it make me feel like a fool. I’ve learn that when you love someone you have to take them as what they are and not something that they can be. Hypocrites is now the way to live your life. I will try hard not to be a hypocrite just like what I did when I was with him.

Life just seems to be at its place now. Mom and dad are not worried about me. I was not worried anymore. My brother has been so protective and he will always be in that way. My sisters try hard to make me forget everything. More and more things I’ve learn could make me realize how life is always goes ups and downs. But what’s important is how you go with the ups and downs of life and how you grow mature with it. May there will always be a lesson in every little thing that happen to us that could give us wondrous meaning as a human being in this very life.